Still burning - In the name of Thiago - Day 19

In the name of Thiago

Fear not folks, this is not a blog about a disaster in the kitchen which will come as a great relief to Angelica, who is currently living it up in the big smoke with her friend Claire. No tonight’s blog is all about the little things that happen and that we do in our lives that bring memories of a loved one to the surface.

(fire complete with legs, which are attached to my mate Bulldog)

The inspiration for the title comes from a tweet that my wonderful friend Saffron commented on earlier today. The tweet referred to a post where a chap had decided to light his fire at home and how in doing so, it reminded him of the times when his father used to start the fire by holding a sheet of newspaper out in front to draw the flames.

Saffron’s response was succinct and touchingly sensitive. Still burning.

Still burning, that was exactly how I feel about the love and the passion for my son that fires my soul. As Morrissey once sang, 'there is a light that will never go out'. It will always be still burning. The moment I read Saffron's comment it touched my heart, gladdened my soul and made me very tearful again.

There are so many of those trigger moments, far too many to list here. One of the hardest ones for me is when I put the recycling out on a Monday evening. When Thiago was at home – and it’s fair to say that he split his time evenly between home and hospitals – there was an awful lot of plastic that needed to be recycled, the container would be close to overflowing. Obviously that’s no longer the case.

Thiago used to sleep with a little muslin sheet that he rested his cheek on before he dropped off. Angelica still sleeps with that sheet now, bringing her close to her gorgeous little boy. Tonight is the first time since our little man passed away that I’ll be sleeping alone. I don’t actually think it will be too bad and I’m not worried about it at all.

I’ve found this grieving process truly awful as I’ve alluded to pretty frequently on here but I’ve not really spoken about how I think it has affected Angelica. It's not my place to do that but I do know that this short break is something that she really needs and thoroughly deserves. I really hope it helps her to get away from it all and spend time with friends that love her dearly.

She is a remarkable woman and an absolutely extraordinary mum with indomitable spirit. I am truly blessed and honoured to be able to call her my wife.


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