It's going to be ok - In the name of Thiago - Day 64
Oh dear, it turns out that writing a blog when you’re completely obliterated, emotionally unstable and experiencing horrendous feelings of inadequacy is a bad thing. A very bad thing.
So you will be comforted to learn that today I am sober, feeling remarkably more positive and adequate. You might think feeling adequate is not much of a boast but after yesterday I would have to disagree. It’s more than ok!
Angelica did the driving from Wiltshire back tour house today, which was a blessing. I would question whether I was sufficiently sobered up from last night’s activities to be behind the wheel anyway.
(the offending pub from yesterday!)
I am going to elaborate a little more on how I was feeling yesterday because I believe that it is healthy to do so. My brother-in-law Pete is a supremely confident sort of chap, who goes about everything in life in a very wholehearted way. He’s a man of action, works in a very high-profile job and yet despite having many distractions is still able to be a wonderful dad to my niece Millie and my nephew Tristan.
Yesterday, I felt more than slightly inadequate. And of course drinking far too much only added to those feelings. But having sobered up and thought about things again, I realise that comparing yourself to others is rarely very healthy. My sister Holly and Pete do on the face of things have a lovely life but you know what, they’ll have their problems too because we all do. It’s just how it is.
Today, I am able to say that while I’m really still not very well at all, I can hold my head up and be proud of what I am doing and how I am carrying myself at this frankly fucking awful time. A friend of mine Fiona gave me some good advice about the relationship with alcohol when grieving and having had time to clear my head now, I totally understand where she was coming from.
But you know what, sometimes all the advice can be a little overwhelming. The best people in my life for knowing when to offer help and guidance have been Fiona and my dear friend Jamie Hickey. And guess what, they both work in roles related to health. Thank you Jamie and thank you Fiona. You have helped me so much – more than you can imagine.
I’ve spent an hour or so with my dad this afternoon poring over maps planning two of the days’ routes for the last week of the walk this summer and that felt like an achievement. I’ve also been speaking to him again about him possibly hiring a canal boat this summer. He seemed very positive about it and I genuinely think this will happen. I really want him to be involved and this would be the perfect way of him doing that.
So the message today is it’s onwards and upwards folks. And as my friend Fiona wrote yesterday, a rollercoaster has ups and downs. I feel that I’m always just moments from one of those stomach churning sudden drops but in between times, I’m trying to be kind to myself and staying in the moment.
Lastly tonight, just my usual request for you to make a donation to the two wonderful hospitals that I’m raising money for this summer. Just over £5,000 raised so far so it’s going really well but there’s still a long way to go. I’ll need your help every step of the way folks!