It's going to be ok - In the name of Thiago - Day 64
Oh dear, it turns out
that writing a blog when you’re completely obliterated, emotionally unstable
and experiencing horrendous feelings of inadequacy is a bad thing. A very bad
thing.
So you will be comforted
to learn that today I am sober, feeling remarkably more positive and adequate.
You might think feeling adequate is not much of a boast but after yesterday I
would have to disagree. It’s more than ok!
Angelica did the
driving from Wiltshire back tour house today, which was a blessing. I would
question whether I was sufficiently sobered up from last night’s activities to
be behind the wheel anyway.
I am going to
elaborate a little more on how I was feeling yesterday because I believe that
it is healthy to do so. My brother-in-law Pete is a supremely confident sort of
chap, who goes about everything in life in a very wholehearted way. He’s a man
of action, works in a very high-profile job and yet despite having many distractions
is still able to be a wonderful dad to my niece Millie and my nephew Tristan.
Yesterday, I felt more
than slightly inadequate. And of course drinking far too much only added to those
feelings. But having sobered up and thought about things again, I realise that
comparing yourself to others is rarely very healthy. My sister Holly and Pete
do on the face of things have a lovely life but you know what, they’ll have
their problems too because we all do. It’s just how it is.
Today, I am able to
say that while I’m really still not very well at all, I can hold my head up and
be proud of what I am doing and how I am carrying myself at this frankly
fucking awful time. A friend of mine Fiona gave me some good advice about the
relationship with alcohol when grieving and having had time to clear my head
now, I totally understand where she was coming from.
But you know what,
sometimes all the advice can be a little overwhelming. The best people in my
life for knowing when to offer help and guidance have been Fiona and my dear
friend Jamie Hickey. And guess what, they both work in roles related to health.
Thank you Jamie and thank you Fiona. You have helped me so much – more than you
can imagine.
I’ve spent an hour or
so with my dad this afternoon poring over maps planning two of the days’ routes
for the last week of the walk this summer and that felt like an achievement. I’ve
also been speaking to him again about him possibly hiring a canal boat this
summer. He seemed very positive about it and I genuinely think this will
happen. I really want him to be involved and this would be the perfect way of
him doing that.
So the message today is
it’s onwards and upwards folks. And as my friend Fiona wrote yesterday, a
rollercoaster has ups and downs. I feel that I’m always just moments from one of
those stomach churning sudden drops but in between times, I’m trying to be kind
to myself and staying in the moment.
Lastly tonight, just
my usual request for you to make a donation to the two wonderful hospitals that
I’m raising money for this summer. Just over £5,000 raised so far so it’s going
really well but there’s still a long way to go. I’ll need your help every step
of the way folks!
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