A day to be got through - In the name of Thiago - Day 105

Lockdown and grief are a heady mix at the best of times and at the worst of times they are an absolute bitch. I let myself down last night, not through drunkenness or being overly morose, which are in their own rights perfectly acceptable. Nope, neither of those, simply through being a dick.

But I’ve reflected on it and it’s behind me and I will move forwards because that’s the thing I need to do. Stay in the present and deal with the now, (copyright Jamie Hickey).

I’ve been talking about focus the last couple of days and I’ve been completely without focus today, which has resulted in me going quiet. Going quiet must be a blessing to Angelica. It really is true that opposites attract because we couldn’t be more different in this respect. Angelica goes about her business in a quiet methodical fashion. Efficiency is her byword. I’m not sure you can put my approach into words though you might have a lot of fun doing so.

When I’m without focus, I just keep making tea in the hope that the focus will somehow return. It never does of course but at least it enables me to maintain an essence of calm. And I need calm as I’ve often felt like a tightly coiled spring in this last few months. Even more so since lockdown of course, coping with my own emotional turmoil, trying to be supportive towards Angelica and not really offering much to my pre-teenaged daughter Elisa.

Aussie Dan, now here’s a man with focus. I’ve known this fella a fair few years now. The only other Dan I know well is my best friend Bulldog, who hardly anyone calls Dan. Even his wife Liz will use his pseudonym. Despite this, Aussie Dan cannot simply be known as Dan. He’s a Victorian you know.

I must have chewed Aussie Dan’s ear off for an hour this morning, I can’t think what the poor bastard did to deserve it and had it not been for the fact that he has been tasked with relaying patio in his back garden, I suspect our conversation might have been cut off a little sooner! He’s a better man than I am taking on this job, though I think he might have agreed to it out of his own safety. Sorry Katie!

Aussie Dan, (pictured here with his daughter Ella, who clearly loves having her photo taken with the old man), and I are also complete opposites in many ways. Our approaches to practical problem-solving would be a fine example of that. I think that’s what makes the very special group of friends I have that bit more special though. We are nurses, writers, builders, podiatrists, architects, teachers designers, dancers, cinema managers, carpenters, brewers. We’ve got all the bases covered and would readily help to sort out someone else’s shit. And actually that’s what life is, isn’t it?

Angelica and I had a proper long walk today, well over the allotted hour. But that’s ok because my walks yesterday and Thursday were only 40 minutes, which at worse, makes me all square. So no grassing me up you bastards.

I’m feeling pretty tired right now, just not quite right really. I’ve not taken my vitamins today, maybe that’s something to with it. I feel like I need some positivity to feed off. But I’ll settle instead for the musical fusion of Johnny Marr’s guitars and Bernard Sumner’s synth and stick Electronic on. I realise this will probably cause some laughter. Music for the mood and all that..

Almost forgot, please supportme in my fundraising efforts. That’s the inspiration for the blog – to raise £10,000 for th NHS and to help me remember my darling boy. It’s that simple.


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