The siblings bond - In the name of Thiago - Day 123

When the little man was alive, I often found it hard to determine what Elisa’s true feelings were about her brother. In 2018, a year before Thiago was born, Angelica had a miscarriage. We made the mistake of telling Elisa about the fact that there was going to be an addition to the family a little too soon and she left us in no uncertain terms how she felt about this.

‘I told you that I only ever wanted to be an only child’ she defiantly declared. Then when we had to tell her that she was no longer going to be having a brother or sister when we were naturally at a very low ebb, she started a little impromptu dance shouting, ‘Yeah yeah only child’. Here’s Elisa rejoicing in her only child status outside the Schönbrunn in Vienna on a visit to our wonderful Styrian friends Daniel and Kathi.

We thought our chance had probably gone to have another baby, so when later in the year we found out that Angelica was pregnant again, we were overjoyed but also a little nervous. It turns out tragically that we had good reason to be.

When Angelica started putting pictures up of Thiago and Elisa yesterday, it brought about a conversation between Elisa and her about why there were so many pictures of Thiago. Angelica explained that there were never be any more of her brother, while there would always be pictures of her going forward.

That really registered with her in a way that made me proud. Proud that there were no further complaints and she simply registered. I forget sometimes that she is only 11. She’s amazing and has a razor-sharp mind too.

One of Elisa’s best friends is Primrose. Elisa still has a photo of the two of them in her room from when they were babies. It’s a friendship that has endured despite them being more than 200 miles apart and only getting to see each other about three times a year.

The girls have been having another one of their lengthy video chats today. Elisa was proudly showing off all the newly-framed photographs on the hallway and while the chat was mostly about the simple fact that there was now something interesting to look at rather than bare walls, she was also talking about her brother too.

It was fascinating hearing her talk about him. It was all just very casual, Thiago this, Thiago that. I guess he is quite a cute baby I even heard her say at one point. Definitely is, not was. I loved my little boy more than anything in the world but talking about him as I have to in the past tense means that my strong emotional feelings overcome me and the pain etches itself across my face. It fucking hurts so much that I just become completely overwhelmed.

As I sit in the summerhouse writing this now, The Smiths’ ‘There is a light that never goes out' is drifting across the air. That’s painful for an obvious reason of course but doubly emotive tonight as I think of Daniel and Kathi the friends I mentioned at the start of this blog. Daniel used to play this on the guitar in their flat in Vienna while the girls and I would sing along. No flute solo mind but beautiful memories.

You know what comes next folks, oh yes it’s my daily plea for your money. Big dollops of it please. Well not for me, you should know that by now. But the magnificent people that  help to make the NHS what it is. Help me reach that £10,000 target please!