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Showing posts from June, 2020

Hi little man – In the name of Thiago – Day 178

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The day started with a trip to the cemetery – my first one for a while as it happens – to see the very hero that brought me to where I am today. Yes Thiago, your lifetime may have been tragically short but my fucking word, have you had an impact little man. Look at everything you’ve got your chubby dad doing now. Blogging, walking miles and miles, much more tennis and yoga for fuck’s sake. More on the yoga later..It’s impossible not to be overcome with emotion at this place. Angélica and I tidied up his little grave and watered the flowers. We’ll probably replace those later in the week. I want my little boy’s resting place to be nice and smart. Angélica’s friend Claire, bless her, is forever popping up here to keep an eye on him to make sure he’s been behaving himself.


Well he must have been a very good boy must my little T baby because Claire’s popped him a new little teddy down and some other accoutrements. Thank you Claire. You’re such a very good friend first and foremost to my wo…

Off on holiday – In the name of Thiago – Day 177

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Yes that’s right, I’m off this week. Off to.. well of course nowhere in particular. Well actually that’s not quite true, as I was off to the sunny delights of Tunstall to pick up a sink and a shitter. Yep, sink dunny and to order the tiles that Angélica and I looked at on Saturday. Just as well we did leave it on Saturday as we had got the ceiling height slightly wrong, so we’ve saved ourselves a few quid as well.
Here’s her ladyship Elisa this morning. Unfortunately, this is an all too common sight. Mornings really aren’t her thing it’s fair to say but her recent obstinacy does test my patience. And as many of you know by now, I don’t have a lot of that to begin with.I bit my tongue today and simply transported her to school and back again and was rewarded twice today. Firstly, Elisa started practising her cello before her teacher came online when usually she would wander off or miraculously misplace her bow in the five minutes between preparing for her lesson and it starting.
Of cours…

Boys’ day out – In the name of Thiago – Day 176

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I was talking to my fellow blogger friend Fiona the other day about the tendencies of readers. Another friend of mine Bill, who will feature prominently in today’s blog, calls it the car crash theory. Everyone wants to read about of people in the depths of despair. And speaking honestly, sometimes there’s very little worse than an extremely happy person – they can really do your nut. I already know I’m on a loser today because I’m afraid I’ve had a pretty good day.
Now for those of you that are still with me, allow me to describe a good day out with a friend who I’ve only got to know a little better in very recent times. Bill’s an absolute sports and outdoors nut. We’re very different in many ways but have a similar outlook on life, which is why I had no hesitation in accepting his invitation for a 14 miler today on Cannock Chase.I do like Bill, though he’s almost as bad as me, possibly even worse for wandering off on a tangent in conversations. He also talks a healthy amount of shite …

Come rain or shine – In the name of Thiago – Day 175

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In between bright sunshine and the weather Gods throwing it down, Angélica and I have crammed in a visit to Tile Mountain in Tunstall and enjoyed an afternoon visit to our Anglo-Brazilian friends Adam and Andrea in Windle, a little hamlet on the outskirts of St Helens.Angélica has quite rightly chastised me for my lack of interest in the house build project. Let me get this straight though, I have absolutely supported her in realising the dream. In fact, nothing would make me happier than to see the smile on her face when we are the other side of this journey.But today I was properly engaged in the process from the moment we walked into the tiles place and I know it seems really silly, but just me doing that has made Angélica feel so much happier with me and with life in general. That’s a nice combination. And.. we’ve bought a shitter.
We like these tiles for the shower – they remind me of home and the gorgeous Sussex coast that I miss so much. Maybe retirement if I make it that far – …

Bouncing back – In the name of Thiago – Day 174

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After yesterday’s shamozzle, I’m back on it today. Now it’s not very often that I have a meaningful conversation with someone before 7am, but that was the case today. I have a friend, Fiona, who, as well as being a tremendous laugh, is one of those people, who always seems to know the right thing to say for any given situation.It’s something that I have a lot of respect for her over, as I’m one of those people that instinctively seems to say exactly the wrong thing in any given situation. If there’s ever anywhere inappropriate for my big size nines, then rest assured I’ll plonk the fuckers there.Fiona read yesterday’s blog and identified closely with my personal experiences, as they are quite similar to what a friend of hers has very sadly gone through. Of course, I know that there’s nothing that I’m doing that is particularly unusual for someone in my extremely unfortunate position, but hearing someone else talking about it was reassuring anyway. And sometimes it is just a kind voice…

Getting hit where it hurts – In the name of Thiago – Day 173

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The unexpected moments when you are suddenly overcome with grief are simply like nothing else I've ever experienced. I’ve always been a fairly emotional chap anyway, so these moments are particularly tough. No sooner had I finished work for the day and rolled out the yoga mat with the very determined intention of trying to see out the whole hour – which I’ve ever only ever done once since lockdown started – than it struck me a nasty blow.I was lying down trying to rest my mind before the physical side of the practice kicked in. It was going ok and then out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of one of those special photographs I have of Thiago. He looks so full of life and so incredibly fucking happy that I still don’t understand why he’s not with me.
My son wasn’t meant to die so young. It really wasn’t meant to be like this at all and nothing makes any sense. I don’t feel any differently at this very moment than I did when I started this whole blogging process. I can write…

Time waits for no man – In the name of Thiago – Day 172

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The title of today’s blog refers to the speed with which the building work has been speeding along today. Mark arrived just before 7am and was joined by Dave and then his old man came along to do some bricklaying. Mark’s old man is 82-years-old but there’s not an ounce of fat on him. They worked right through until almost half four today – very much a case of making hay while the sun shines.It’s been a strange sort of day. When Angélica is working long days my own day becomes a lot more disjointed, as the regulations at her school mean that although Elisa is perfectly able to take herself off and bring herself back from school, an adult needs to be present at both ends of the day.
I just found this image extremely comforting for reasons I can’t very easily explain. The boys at work doing a great job leaving their brews lined up on the brick wall. I found that I was enjoying Mark’s company today, on the occasions I was doing the brew run and keeping them hydrated.He is a very quiet chap…

Worry ye not - In the name of Thiago - Day 171

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In your working life, if you’re lucky enough you might encounter a handful of people that you can truly rely on. So the start of tonight’s blog is an ode to Fivestar. I’ve had a lot on lately and when I got asked to cover another project, I was probably not as effusive about taking it on as I probably could have been.Step up to the plate Fivestar to lend a helping hand. She is so criminally underrated at my place of work. Well actually it’s more a case of being underpaid than it is underrated and because she, how can I put this, doesn’t take herself too seriously, she often doesn’t get the credit she deserves. But most importantly, nor does she give a shit. Thank you Fivestar.
Progress is being made and I’m feeling surprisingly relaxed at the moment. Maybe it’s something to do with the gorgeous weather we’re currently experiencing and the fact that I can sit outside and write this and enjoy it all at the same time. It feels like the best part of the day.I finished at half four, literal…

Stay in the now – In the name of Thiago – Day 170

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That doesn’t half feel good writing 170. The maximum check-out in darts, I’m starting to hit some pretty big numbers now, nearly half a year’s worth of blogs no less. As that graceless turd Mourinho, who manages the football club I support would no doubt say: respect.Today has been a much better day. I started it with a lot of anxiety about a job I’d been given to do and ended it by knowing that I’d worked really hard and gained, yes that word again, respect, for being honest and up front about where I was at.
It was a tough day emotionally for me yesterday, but I’m glad to say that whereas in January and into February, it was just one utterly shit day after another, at least now those dark days are interspersed with some welcome shafts of light. I am becoming increasingly impressed at the level I am able to function at and today was further proof of that. I am pretty good at what I do. If Elisa were here now she’d retort: and what’s that Dad? But she’s not, so we’ll move on.In between…

Father’s Day blues – In the name of Thiago – Day 169

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The problem with having days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day is while they make the huge percentage of people very happy, for a select few they are utter shit. I’ve been in touch with a mate of mine who very much feels the same way as we’ve both lost someone very close to us far too young. For him it was his Dad when he was young, for me, my little boy Thiago.Just typing those words today makes me feel unbelievably shit. The one child I have left, who graciously hasn’t decided to die on me, just doesn’t really want to know me any more it seems. Elisa barely leaves her room at the moment. I know she’s approaching adolescence but just being acknowledged at a time other than when providing a meal would be a nice touch occasionally. And all this, while everyone else is getting caught up by the rampant commercialism of Father’s Day.


I’ve been out on my weekend 15 mile walk today and I feel great, well physically at least. I got back shortly after 2pm and I can honestly say that there are no…

Easy come easy go – In the name of Thiago

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I’ve changed a lot of things about myself in the time since that awful day in November when my little man was taken from me. In the last seven months there’s been an awful lot of reflection, much intense questioning of what really matters – or as it is for Angélica and I, what you have left that matters. Elisa and each other pretty much sums that up.We’ve spoken about religion today. Angélica used to pray for Thiago every night, I just used to close my eyes and say a few words, I wouldn’t call it praying, it was more hoping. Well a fat load of fucking good it did anyway. But I don’t blame religion for that. It does annoy me though if I hear some holier than thou arsewipes say it was because of the strength of our faith that our son/daughter pulled through. ‘Fraid not old bean, you got lucky, I didn’t. It’s no more complicated than that.
Right let’s pick this up again, though I have to say it was this lovely ‘ol bastard Dave Robinson, who started me off thinking about the little man tod…