Remembering my special little boy – In the name of Thiago – Day 250
I’m feeling ok but I’m definitely wobbling because tonight I’ve been talking to Graham Torrington, who hosts a late night show on the BBC networks in the midlands simply called ‘Late night Graham Torrington’. Graham pre-recorded an interview with me this evening, which will go out all being well on Thursday 17 September – that’s just two days before the walk gets underway – on BBC Radio Stoke, Hereford and Worcester, Coventry and Warwick, Shropshire, Leicester, Derby, Nottingham and of course WM.
Talking about my little man Thiago is of course something I love to do, but as the more regular readers among you will know, it comes at a price; an emotional price. Tonight, I managed to hold it together until the very end when Graham talked about the pride that Thiago would have had in his Dad for doing what I’m doing. At which point I started to fall to bits.
Here he is, the little beauty. When I look at him now, I still can’t get over how incredibly handsome he really was. He would have melted hearts with his magical little smile. Well actually he did melt hearts with his magical little smile. Every doctor and nurse that ever met him was amazed by him and as for the amount of cooing that went on, well it was quite ridiculous at times!
But Thiago also had a bit of devil in him. I know he would have been a right little rascal too if he’d been afforded the luxury of growing up. But he had a heart of gold, there was simply so much love in that boy. I saw the human kindness in his face, that ability to love and to be loved. I miss him so much and I’m finding it so hard to accept that this little man, who brought Angélica and I so much joy in the wonderful nine months of his life, just isn’t there any more. It’s just so brutally unfair.
But on we go, because as I said during the interview this evening, life continues. Continuing is hard sometimes. I kind of hope that in the days, weeks and months to come, that I somehow occasionally will find myself slipping into a transient state of happiness.
For I know it can never be anything more than that. That bloody hurts too. The pain of losing Thiago is so fucking unrelenting. I know a lot of the pain I’m experiencing is to do with the upcoming walk. There are a whole host of emotions whirling around in my head: the fear of letting myself down and failing the walk (very infrequent but still there) the feeling that whatever I do is never going to be enough to honour my little hero and worst of all, the thought of how I’m going to feel on Saturday 17 October when it’s all over.
Please, if you can, have a listen of the interview with Graham next week, I’ll certainly share it again in next Thursday’s blog as it doesn’t air until 11.15pm, so there’ll be plenty of time for you to tune in! Who knows, hopefully talking about my life experiences as I have done tonight will help a few more people having a difficult time to start to feel that they can get through it. I think I am getting through it. Well I’m still here writing to you, so I must be doing something right I guess.
Keep those donations coming all you lovely people. I’m setting an initial target of getting to £9,000 before the walk starts. Well that should be a doddle as that’s only another £180 from where I am already with a week to raise it in. Let’s do this.