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Thank you and good night - In the name of Thiago - Day 330

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  For the 330th and final time - at least in its daily format - I will collate my thoughts and feelings of being a grieving father.  When I think back to early January,  I really had no idea how this was going to pan out. But today, nigh on a year's worth of blogs later, I'm allowing myself a smile. On the 8th January when I decided that if I was going to do this blogging thing seriously that I had to commit to doing it daily, I knew that it would be tough but then I also knew that walking 350 miles (which I thought would 'only' be 280 miles at the time doh!) would be a very tough challenge too.  The two challenges have run parallel to each other all year and it is with a heavy heart that I say that the time has come to call it a day for the time being. But it's the little man in the picture there that we all have to thank for the existence of this blog, the fundraising I've done, the rediscovery of my joy of writing. All that walking for quite a fat lad like me

Well, I survived - In the name of Thiago - Day 329

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I really don't think I could cope with another day like yesterday for quite a while, was my thought when I woke up this morning. Yet as I write those words, I am encouraged to think about everything I have coped with in this last year and beyond. Suffice to say, after reassessing, I think I can cope with just about anything. I suppose it would be more accurate to write: I don't want to have to cope with another day like that.   The thing with grieving for the loss of a child, is that so much of what you do positively to remember them also brings you pain. I'm always reminding and reassuring people that just because talking about Thiago brings me to tears, that this is in fact ok. There were so many tears yesterday that it got to the point where the salt from them was hurting my face. That's a whole lot of crying. After a day of extreme emotional turmoil yesterday, we needed to do things today as a family to bring a little happiness back. The plan was that her ladyship a

Thiago Day - In the name of Thiago - Day 328

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  I'm settling down to write this at 4pm, as truthfully I have no great expectation to be much use to anyone this evening. And that ladies and gents, I think is perfectly fine. I'd been hoping that the worst part of this week would have been over before today but the truth is, that it has absolutely smashed me to pieces. But the other thing today has done, is show me how incredibly well-loved my family is. Today has been a seemingly never-ending procession of gifts as Angelica's work colleagues in particular, have shown such incredible compassion and extraordinary kindness. We've been sent two videos today as well, both of which have had me clutching for the Kleenex - I should have shares in the fucking stuff! Angelica has a special close group of nursing friends Kathryn, April, Niki, Mica and Hollie, who sent us one of the videos and the other was so touching as well. This was the scene this morning from the breakfast table after we'd polished off the oatcakes of c

Keeping happy memories - In the name of Thiago - Day 327

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Here I sit by the radiator listening to Echobelly and contemplating a reasonable day of well, getting by. It does come down to that a lot of the time. One of the chaps that was at this group for bereaved Dads that I joined online on Wednesday evening, said that it's the days that build up to anniversaries that are much worse than the days themselves. I fucking hope he's right, though to be fair today's been fine. It started with a phone call from the cemetery, which I wasn't expecting. The plaque for Thiago's commemorative oak tree had arrived and what did I want for them to do with it. I decided to collect it, so that Angelica and I could pop it into the ground when we visit Thiago and his piece of living history tomorrow. We're just going to quietly go about our business tomorrow, that way the day will be easier to manage. It's a bloody pisser that the pubs are closed though, I reckon I'll really want a drink tomorrow. Ah well, best get stocked up toni

I have an Irish friend.. - In the name of Thiago - Day 326

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I'm going to start tonight by telling you about a men's group I joined on a Teams call last night. I need to keep this extremely vague for obvious reasons but the essence of the group was that everyone on the call had experienced the loss of a child or was likely to be in that position. You might think that such a meeting of minds would be a pretty dispiriting affair and I have to confess that I was hardly jumping for joy at the prospect of joining the call. But I said I'd do it and once I say I'm going to do something, well that's it. My word is my bond all that. I'm a bit old school me. It went so much better than I could possibly have expected, and I left the meeting feeling that you know what: having a support group like that is no bad thing. There were a full range of characters on there, and despite the group's chair allowing a bloody Gooner into the session, I'd say that yes, this is something I would do again. Online meetings are sketchy but give

Pork chops, pants and predilections - In the name of Thiago - Day 325

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Good evening folks. Despite listening to Radiohead at one point earlier, today has been about trying to be upbeat and even having a laugh, which, it bears repeating, isn't such an easy thing for me to do at this time.  But I've taken a few steps to ease that process of sticking a smile on my visage. I nipped out in the garden for a bit and twatted about in the shed, grabbed a saw and started cutting through some shit. It was fantastically liberating.  I also shared the latest magic to come my way through my undercracker subscription to the mad Geordies called Oddballs on Facebook earlier, and it started up some, let's say interesting discussion. I'm calling these magnificent beasts the fire and brimstone selection. Now if you can't feel up and at 'em after sticking these bad boys on, when can you?  These Reg Grundies (note to Dan Brindle - full name used) will be wrapped around my ample waist tomorrow and I reckon I'll be like a man transformed. I know a lot

There is a light - In the name of Thiago - Day 324

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  I wrote yesterday about how much better I tend to feel when I've managed to get out and about. Well today I stayed fairly rooted to the chair in the office and praise be, I felt shite.  The other thing that I tend to find is that if I fail to get out the house, I am less able to put into perspective setbacks that sometimes occur during the day. I managed to chat for a minute or so with one of the binmen at around lunchtime but there was very little else to speak of today.  It wasn't a good day I'm afraid but this is down to the pride I have in what I do. Although what I do amounts to very little, that's not to say that I don't want to do it well. It's both a blessing and a curse.  So what happened that was good? Well before I took delivery of my new T-shirt from The 12th man , my old mucker Nuns made light of some of my dark humour as he often does. Thank fuck that he does too, I might add. I'd commented that one of his messages seemed like he was about to