Paralysis – In the name of Thiago – Day 207

 

Now I should say that last time I checked I was definitely a man but bloody hell, am I hormonal at the moment. Work is still going well, which is a blessing because everything else is a bit of a mess, a literal mess in respect of the house. It’s times like this where I really appreciate having Angélica around as she is the one with the common sense, the ability to focus on the things that matter and lastly and most importantly, to me at least, an extraordinary capacity to keep me as close as possible to being on the straight and narrow.

 

I know what my problem is. My brain will not retain information if it’s simply something that I am not really interested in or if I am well outside my comfort zone. And that’s the nub of the problem with our building project. I know it’s important, it’s very important – it’s wiping out our entire life savings – but I’m no bloody project manager so handling differing approaches to problem solving makes me incredibly anxious.

 

 

Outside of my working environment, when I get faced with something that looks like it’s going to be a problem, the thing I know I need to do is the thing I find hardest to do. The normal reaction starts with me running my hand through what little hair I have left, a rubbing of the eyes, going to put the kettle on, then some pacing around.

 

I’ll then realise I’ve left the water too long so need to boil it again, eventually make the cuppa, clasp both hands around the mug and maybe start to rock forwards and backwards, depending on just how capable I’m feeling at that particular moment.  

 

 

It’s not even that Angélica is a brilliant decision-maker. In fact, we are probably both as bad as each other in some ways. The difference is that more often than not, she knows what is needed and has a vision of what the eventual outcome would look like in the ideal world. I don’t, I’m not even fucking close. At times it’s a fairly dispiriting feeling.

 

I want to focus on the walk but now I’m anxious about our finances. The walk is happening. I won’t say come what may because ultimately if the country was to be thrown back into lockdown, I can hardly ignore the government’s advice, even allowing for the fact that it’s fairly shit most of the time.

 

 

I’m not thinking about a lockdown, my mental health today is not ready for those thoughts. But I am having to be very careful about where our family income is going. There are two more pay days before the walk starts and the hanging on for them seems to get earlier and earlier. I’m trying to minimise what I need to pay for when the time comes, so I’m hoping to have all my digs and travel paid for aside from the first week when we’ll be utilising my mate Jamie’s network card to travel.

 

I have a lot on my mind and I really don’t want to load much more on it. I am a relatively simple man after all! I shall sign it off there for the day folks but not before I’ve given you the usual pointer towards the place to donate to the two hospitals that looked after Thiago in his tragically short lifetime. Night all.