The pain doesn't pass - In the name of Thiago - Day 298

This is only the second week of me being back at work and already it's starting to feel like I'm well and truly becoming part of the furniture again. I'm not sure how I feel about that but it's a fair reflection nonetheless of how things seem to be. I need to be conscious of not only how I feel on any one particular day but how I see the next years to come panning out. But then there's a gamble involved in making a change at my stage in life too. I've been in reflective mood.

I've had a bit of a struggle emotionally today as well. Everyone seems to be talking about children. And not just talking about them but comparing notes on how parents manage their children's expectations and emotions and how hard it can be as a parent. I really feel for these fuckers I really do. I really feel they should shut the fuck up and cope.

They were banging on about this on the radio as I was driving up to Wilmslow for some filming today. I had to turn it off. Of course no-one when they talk about the problems they are having with raising their children is looking to upset those few parents who have lost a child but I'm just finding that I'm super sensitive to anything like this now. 

In exactly a month from today it will be a year since we lost our little man. It just doesn't seem possible. Whenever I close my eyes, I can see his beautiful little face looking back at me. He's been gone longer than he was alive, which is a terribly sad thing to say. All this crying hurts me so much and yet it still comes.

Here's the one that's still with us, with her mate from birth Primrose. She's had a couple of mates over this evening for a pre-Halloween party and Angelica and her mate Vikki have been busy decorating the house for the evening's shenanigans. Elisa's so grown up now and as the days pass, I'm encouraged to keep further and further away. I get it actually, I can be pretty embarrassing sometimes but with my heightened sense of emotions being as they are, some affection from her ladyship would be a wonderful thing. I'm not holding my breath though!

Here are your pre-Halloween party-goers: Elisa, Noran, Grace and Primrose. Angelica and I have pretty much just left them to it this evening - it seemed to be the safest thing to do! They danced like loons and chatted and screeched and screamed. But they had a great time together and that's that all that really matters.

I was writing a birthday card to a friend this evening and when I was signing the card, I hesitated. I so desperately wanted to add my son's name. I really, really wanted to but of course it can't be so. How long will it be so hard to get through these moments? It's not just a moment either, what seems such a small thing like that has completely made me well up and I've just had to cover my eyes as I've walked passed the girls to get to some tissues. And now my stomach is acting as if I'm back on the Scillonian sailing from Penzance to St Mary's on the Isles of Scilly.

Primrose and the psychotic one - they are so good for each other these two. And if it wasn't for Elisa I don't know where I'd be quite frankly. Our relationship is a little mixed at times, as I've never been afraid to be honest about, but come what may, I know she'll come back. I knows it.

I've been debating how much longer to keep the fundraiser open for. There's a few quid still to come from Ten Green Bottles and some squidders from the Dancing Octopus chippy in Newcastle and that'll be about it I reckon. But a few donations have still been drifting in, so while that's the case I'd be foolish to shut it down next week so on that note you know what to do. On a very final note tonight, I'd like to place on record my thanks to all the wonderful people at the Halifax in Swansea who have answered my good friend Simon's call and chipped in to the tune of £175. Brilliant effort guys!