Better days are here - In the name of Thiago - Day 314

I thought I performed commendably well today. Dad came round to bring his misery down on all of us at 10 this morning. Weirdly though, it wasn't too bad. Yes, he was still massively annoying but I was surprisingly able to manage the negativity. In truth, he wasn't anywhere near as bad as normal and I even managed to convince him to come out for a short stroll. He really struggled and I know he's not doing it when he's at home on his own but I really want him to try. That's his call though not mine, I just need to try to support where I can. Providing he doesn't completely fuck me off of course.

Dad just sort of sits and waits for someone to sort his problems out for him. Poor Angelica even had her patience tested today. There's quite often nothing particularly tricky he's trying to do and the help he needs is often just for you to say 'try for yourself and see what happens'. But he still needs that assurance anyway. Angelica says that I remind her of him, which I always remind her is a terrible insult, but there are certainly times when I know what she means. I am improving though. This year, in particular has been one when I've made a lot of positive changes.

Today has been largely about curling up in front of this and watching episodes of the crime series 'Strike'. In a period of lockdown, apart from walks, there doesn't seem much else to do, which, when you say it like that sounds terribly depressing, but then for me what do I actually do most of the time anyway? Spend time with the girls at home and enjoy walks. Sure, on the odd occasion it's a little frustrating that the pub's not an option and that the tennis courts are all closed but I have to be honest and say that the lockdown itself isn't troubling me all that much second time around.

The part that sometimes weighs on me is the simple fact that you can't do it. The fact that I wouldn't be doing something anyway doesn't always over-ride the other things that are going on in my mind. And whether that does or doesn't have an impact is largely down to how I am feeling at the time. I'm ending the week in a lot more positive a place than the way I started it and so, I'm not thinking too much about the things that lockdown prevents me from doing.

My sister Holly sent me this book not long after I completed my walk and I eventually started reading it today. It really is quite life-affirming. I don't read anywhere near enough for someone who (I like to think) writes well. I was always told as a student that if you want to write well you need to read well. I used to be a bit of a bookworm as a young chap but that sort of drifted off as I left college and blazed a trail of self-destruction in a flurry of well just booze really.

The book connects with me on a number of levels. Firstly the title character Harold is going on an insane walk from Devon to the Scottish border town of Berwick-upon-Tweed. It's a journey of self-discovery, much like I had this autumn. He has a son. During the early chapters I thought his son had died but it turns out they are just estranged. I'm hooked already and I have my sister to thank. 

Elisa's been doing a bit of drawing today. She's been trying to recreate one of the Japanese anime characters she's into. She thinks this is rubbish and probably would have preferred me not to have shared but especially this week when I have been suffering from depression and generally feeling extremely low, anything that puts a smile on my face and gives me a sense of pride is something that I want to put out there to make me feel happy. Elisa always makes me happy - she is a remarkably talented and inspiring little girl. Well I certainly think so anyway!

That's all from me today ladies and gents, Harold Fry is calling... 

It's only a fortnight now until I'll be closing the fundraiser so if you're reading this and haven't donated or have stumbled upon my blog and you're wondering why I might be asking for money, then you can read all about it by following this link. Take care everyone.


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